29 Dec

The Twelve Meats of Christmas or The Story of the Christmas Deer

Crazy snow eating dance

Once upon a time there was a small family of Germans, who lived on a small island called Bowen in the beautiful land of British Columbia. The family was made up of an entertaining German father who made funny jokes, a lovely German mother who looked after everyone, and a Big Cute Fuzzy Strapping Geeky German son (who was also the King of Drupal, but that’s another story…) This small family of Germans really loved to eat meat, as Germans have a tendency to do. They also loved to eat bread as well as cheese, but this particular story REALLY focuses on the meat.

As the Yuletide Season approached, the son who was always full of big ideas, came up with a meat-focused way to celebrate the Christmas season. He decided to call it the Twelve Meats of Christmas, and it would involve preparing and eating a variety of meats twelve different ways. The First Meat of Christmas was Chorizo with kale and chard in a pasta dish. (He was starting light you see.) The Second Meat of Christmas was delicious crispy bacon cooked for breakfast. The Third Meat of Christmas was roasted lamb with parsnips, garlic and lemons. The Fourth Meat of Christmas was Duck Soup with cabbage. The Fifth Meat of Christmas was Creton a spicy pork pate. The Sixth, Seventh, and Eighth meats of Christmas were prepared by his friend Zak and came in the form of Pork Tenderloin Wrapped in Prosciutto, Chicken Forcemeat and Puff Pastry. The Ninth Meat of Christmas was pulled pork cooked for six hours and marinated in delicious North Carolina style BBQ sauce. The Tenth Meat of Christmas was Montreal smoked meat cold cuts for breakfast. The eleventh meat of Christmas was braised beef cooked into a broth in Czechoslovakian cabbage soup.

It was as the eleventh meaty meal was achieved the son suddenly realized he needed something different, something out of the ordinary to be the crowning glory, as it were, of the twelve meats. But as the wintery weather was at its worst outside and the purveyors of further meats were inaccessible from the small island, he wasn’t sure how he could achieve this. Then low and behold, as his lovely German mother was clearing the paths around their home of snow, she stumbled across a poor young deer that had perished from the cold. The son was thrilled, ecstatic, excited beyond words, because now all his meaty dreams could come true! What a prize to find a fresh and tender young deer, and to have it die peacefully in the night.

In a flash, a band of merry revelers came together to help butcher the deer and prepare a magnificent banquet feast. People came from far and wide to taste the wonderful venison and to share in the miraculous meat. There were rare venison steaks, sauteed venison heart flavoured with garlic, beer and mustard, haunch of venison braised in cabbage soup, roasted venison with dried fruit sauce, and jerky marinated in raspberry wine vinegar with soya sauce. It was a happy meal and every reveler left with bellies full from the feasting.

The German son was content having achieved his dream of the twelve meats of Christmas, and in the process to have made so many others happy and well fed.

The End.

(This story is based upon true events from my Christmas on Bowen, and is dedicated to the Mann Family.)

5 comments

  1. Alas, there were only eight meats of Christmas for Mandy and I. That’s ok. The MoGre might have been permanently traumatized by the the sad deliciousness of the little frozen deer.

  2. I don’t think you would’ve been traumatized at all Zak. It’s not an easy experience to see your meat still in animal form but it is an important step to connect your food to where it comes from. Having the rack of ribs sitting in the sink for most of the night was a bit over-the-top but not traumatizing.

    Jamie, the over-meating of Christmas would’ve been too much for you. I’m not sure how Kirsti got through it…

    Thanks Degan. As you know, some of those meat were very delicious.

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© Rachael Ashe